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Just like the city he calls home, old Father Thames likes a drink. Anything will do — porter, gin, champagne by the methuselah. It all ends up in the same place. The old boy’s seen off some filthy stuff in his time. And that’s to say nothing of the nibbles and the titbits, the Brobdingnagian snacks at chucking-out time: rafts of junk food, a pack ice of offal. Where does he put it all? Jonathan Schneer has taken a long, hard look at the river and his findings leave the reader agog. There’s no doubt that the Thames has lifestyle issues, as they might say at the Georgia Institute of Technology, where Schneer teaches. Here’s the evidence of crapulous beanos of spitted ox that the Thames indulged in when the river turned to ice in winter and Londoners held frost fairs on the frozen waters.